An Ode to the Savior of New York...Steven A. Cohen

For as long as I can remember, my obsession with the New York Mets has been unhealthy to say the least. Every Mets fan knows that each year we manage to get our hopes up, just to see our dreams get completely crushed. False promises made by new managers, owners who simply could not give a shit about their team, and rare signings of premier free agents that just decide to suck as soon as they wear the orange and blue. 2015 was probably the most surreal moment of my life as a sports fan, even though the result was ultimately depressing. After that I really did not expect to see the Mets playing in October for years, just more seasons of underperformance, misery, and blown saves in the bottom of the ninth. The Wilpon era had a stranglehold on the most passionate fans in baseball, and they seemed to have no problem shitting on the dreams of their loyal fans who kept them from going broke after losing most of their wealth to Bernie Madoff. But suddenly on October 30th 2020, the rain clouds cleared, a beam of light shined down over the great borough of Queens, and Steve Cohen descended from the sky with his $15 billion dollar net worth to save the souls of every Mets fan.

This is legitimately the first offseason in decades where the Mets have had unlimited funds to spend. I mean this guy has absolute fuck you money, so much so that he spends millions of dollars on art pieces that look like my 12 year old brother could've crafted up. To put his net worth into perspective, he is LITERALLY richer than the next three owners in baseball combined... he's THAT dude. He's already a man of the people, trolling fans on Twitter and teasing big plans he has for his newest purchase. Some owners were so afraid of him that they voted against his approval. Maybe it's because they're jealous he could buy their team, knock their shitty stadium down, rebuild one 10 times it's size, and rename the team after himself. It's already easy to see the Steve Cohen effect in action, as the Mets have been one of the only active teams in free agency in an absolutely dead market. Already having added a backend off the bullpen arm in Trevor May, and a stud backstop in James McCann, the Mets are still big game hunting. Who's next... Arenado? Lindor? Springer? Bauer? And to just as a big middle finger to those crosstown shitheads, who says no to DJ? Needless to say it's a wonderful time to be a fan of the Amazin's. 2021 should be nothing short of electric. All aboard the train to 5 rings in the next decade... LFGM.

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