Pete Davidson/Ariana Grande
Let’s face it, Ariana Grande has at one point been every young man’s celebrity crush. Whether your infatuation began when she was riding those stationary bikes in her music video for “Side to Side” with Nicki Minaj, or the beach episode of Victorious, we have all crossed the same cornerstone at one point in our lives. The more famous she became, the less realistic our dreams. “There’s no way she would ever go for a guy like me. She probably only goes for guys that look like Channing Tatum, right?” WRONG. What you thought would be unattainable as an average looking dude at best came to fruition for this dude with butthole eyes and buck teeth so big you could land a recreational aircraft on them. To Pete Davidson, I salute you. You have inspired so many everywhere to shoot for the stars. If a guy who looks like Nick Birch can land Ariana Grande anything can happen.
Justin Verlander/Kate Upton
There are a few different demographics: age, race, religion, gender, and those whose first nut was to Kate Upton doing the cat daddy. It really hurts to research your celebrity crush and find the unfortunate news that they have already tied the knot. What hurts even more is searching up her spouse and finding a picture of Justin Verlander. This couple boasts a 5 to 10 like it has possession of an unregistered firearm. I would say shoutout to Justin for scoring a dime but he pitched for the Astros, so I hope she’s into strap-ons.
Kanye West/Kim Kardashian
Kanye, I’m really sorry to do this to you bro but your head looks like a penis. Despite being 5’8, Kanye has somehow managed to bag one of the most sought-after females on the planet. He has lackluster height, average face structure, poor facial hair, and he’s a certified psycho. Even so, he has children with Kim Kardashian. There is no way to tell just how much money Kim has spent on her body, but for God sakes would she spend some on Kanye? It’s like looking at Cleopatra marrying a mole rat with a God complex. Maybe we can never be with her, but at least we got to watch her get railed on the internet. Thank you for your service Ray-Jay.
Selma Hayek/Francois Henri Pinault
I really hope this guy’s schlong is as large as his net worth because this genuinely does not make any sense. Selma is well known for her role in Grown Ups, where she also plays the role of a wife to a subpar looking man in Adam Sandler, but you would think she was in The Walking Dead because she’s married to a corpse. Seriously give me a break. I would say he sprinkles dandruff all over her during missionary but his hairline is so far back it turned his forehead into a six head. This guy shoots dust out of his ass every time he farts and belongs inside a museum, NOT Selma Hayek.
Beyonce is universally recognized as a Queen among women. She is a world renown artist, and one of the most influential women in the modern era. Jay-Z has double barrel shotgun nostrils. The Bible told us the story of Noah’s ark, but in 2020 when the world floods we are taking two of every species inside Jay-Z’s sinuses. Rumor has it none of the other celebrities do blow with Jay-Z because he deletes a pound of dust with every inhale. It’s a modern-day Hephaestus and Aphrodite except somehow the ugly one ends up cheating.