+How Likely Are They to Kick Your Ass When You Walk In on it?
Pigeon (Mike Tyson Mysteries)
Pork Your Wife Rating-8/10
It is sad to say, but this bird will probably fuck your wife. Somehow someway, he constantly finds himself beak deep in some prized coochie. In terms of his danger rating, he is a fucking bird. Throw out some bird seed, wait for him to come out, and then stomp his fucking skull into the ground with a pair of Tims. Nuff said. Chances are you will also be on Mike Tyson’s shit list, so Pigeon gets two stars.
Ferb (Phineas & Ferb)
Pork Your Wife Rating-10/10
Danger Rating- ★ ★ ★ ★ ★
“Real G’s move in silence like Lasagna” When Lil Wayne dropped this bar, his intention had to be none other than Ferb Fletcher. A man of few words, he still manages to bag the baddest bitch in the show. He could modify his meat into a cockozoid 3000 with a couple bolts and a wrench. If he ran straight into a brick wall with a half chub his dick would break first, and that says a lot considering his nose is an absolute unit. Dude is packing a hammer for sure. This man is top tier ready to plow your wife, it does not matter to him if you are watching or not. Should you walk in on him dogging your woman, do yourself a favor and walk the other way. From sun up to sun down, he could have skyscrapers built. Give him 15 seconds to settle with his ingenuity and he could turn you into a fucking frog. Steer clear of Ferb Fletcher.
Johnny Bravo (Johnny Bravo)
Pork Your Wife Rating-9/10
Danger Rating- ★☆☆☆☆
Johnny Bravo-All bark, no bite. The man’s body is fueled by C4 and creatine. One shot to the dome and those water guns are absolutely useless. Had his fluffy hair been on his face, he would stand a better chance, but with no cushion, he’s got a glass jaw ready to be shattered. Sadly enough, this douchebag is just what your wife is looking for. Worn down from your 9-5 job, unable to please her sexually, she just wants a one-night stand from some scum she met at the club that bought her an apple martini. He will definitely offer some underwhelming missionary and turn out to be a huge regret in the morning, but the deed will be done and he will for sure slam your wife’s beef curtains. If you walk in on this dude with your wife ass up, don’t hold back and knock his stupid glasses off his face. Complete coward.
Kif Kroker (Futurama)
Pork Your Wife Rating-0/10
Look at this guy. If he fucks my wife, he could have her. I’d rather abandon 20 years of holy matrimony than cross noodles with this slimy fuck. Kif is the epitome of eternal limp noodle. He looks like the face of an erectile dysfunction support group. Godspeed to any man who can’t beat the shit out of this dude.
Ash Ketchum (Pokemon)
Pork Your Wife Rating- 1/10
Danger Rating- ☆☆☆☆☆
This guy is an absolute sham. Professor Oak sent him on an elaborate journey to play with wild animals so that he can give his mother his Oak. He just lets some old dude absolutely lay pipe on his poor mother while he is fingerbanging zany creatures. If this guy is banging your wife, you should honestly take a good look at yourself because you really must be a pitiful man. He has no honor and no pride. I might just go fuck his mom since he’s letting everyone waltz in between her legs like it’s black Friday. If he’s not hiding behind that little yellow asshole, you should never lose in a fight. But to be honest, if you are letting this guy fuck your wife you might as well get your ass kicked by him you pathetic shell of a man.
Odell Beckham Jr. (Poop Guy)
Pork Your Wife Rating-7/10
The stat sheet isn’t the only thing he’s stuffing. There’s something about that macaroni hair and caramel skin your wife just finds irresistible. He only needed a few fingers to posturize a fully grown professional athlete, just imagine what he’s going to do to your wife with those suckers. I know what you’re thinking, “Wait a minute, Odell isn’t a cartoon”. Well, it doesn’t really matter because he likes to get pooped on. At this point in his career, anything goes. He’s taking the Browns to the Super Bowl in more ways than one, and your wife is coming with him, in more ways than one. Walking in on your wife squatted over this guy’s chest balls deep in a Cleveland steamer will give you some mixed feelings for sure. Should you respond with rage, I say go for it. He may be a professional athlete and has the wildcard of spraying you with projectile diarrhea, but he got his ass beat by a net, so take your pick.
Skeletor (Masters of the Universe)
Pork Your Wife Rating-4/10
Time and time again, this guy gets his ass beat by a guy named He-man. His arch nemesis is a ginger with a spray tan and a bowl cut, and he lets him kick the shit out of him? Really? Not Superman or Green Hornet, no, he gets bodied by fucking He-man. Skeletor has no drip and his bones make it look like he’s been smoking two packs a day since 1987. No chance a dude named Skeletor is fucking my wife. One signal to a shelter pit-bull and he’s mincemeat.