Reranking NBA players based on how good they look like they would be in a fight. (Part 1)

Kevin Durant

NBA Rating: ★★★★★

New Rating:

Kevin Durant is arguably one of the best offensive players to ever step foot on a basketball court. He is also a gigantic pussy. Not only did he act like a pussy by joining super team Golden State, but he looks the part too. It is honestly astonishing that Cinna-mon Jack is in the NBA. The dude is built like a Dixon Ticonderoga. I am 5’9 and utterly convinced I can knock him around like a pinball machine. God forbid I exhale deeply in the wrong direction I might send KD to the next hemisphere. Flash forward to the NBA finals when Lebron and the Lakers beat the Nets by leaving a window open in the arena and a light draft sends Kevin Durant to God.

Larry Bird

NBA Rating: ★★★★★

New Rating:

Larry Bird: All-star NBA player/cousin fucker. Somehow someway this absolute hick was dropping 25 PPG on the best athletes in the world. It truly makes no sense. You could photoshop Larry Bird in his prime next to Hank Hill and his henchmen and you would have no idea something was different. There’s something about that disgusting rat infested mullet that gave Larry the ability to shoot like no other man of his era. However, any average athletic man would smack the dogshit out of Larry Bird in anything that’s not a three-point shootout. He seriously looks like how we coined the term “dad bod” and harbors no real threat to any man off a basketball court. *Disclaimer* If someone damages his elevated truck or shut down Nascar, Larry Bird’s danger rating increases tenfold.

Lebron James

NBA: ★★★★★

New Rating: ★★★★★

Lebron is *arguably* the G.O.A.T of basketball. This does not change if you see him in a dark alley. Lebron is seriously a freak of nature specimen that will excel in any feat of athleticism. I really do not need to say much. Just look at the guy. It is notable, however, that Lebron’s fighting ability ON the court decreases to 1 star. This comes from his innate sense of being a pussy and horrendously flopping at slight contact. Off the court though, Lebron is one scary individual.

Paul “Pandemic P” George

NBA Rating: ★★★★

Playoff Rating: (-)★★

New Rating: ★★

I know what you’re thinking, “What is Paul George doing in a blog with all of these top NBA players?”. Frankly I don’t know either I just want to make fun of him. If you avoid fights because you’re afraid of getting hit, Paul George is the perfect opponent. He couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn with a rock if his life depended on it. This guy is an absolute clown. The highlight of his playoff career is drilling the side of the backboard. He has about as much ice in his veins as a glass of milk. The only concern with fighting Paul George is that if you touch him you might track some dogshit back into your house. Fuck you PG-13%.

J.R Smith

NBA Rating: ★★★

New Rating: ????

There is really no way to gauge J.R Smith. He is an absolute unpredictable enigma. Will he be off the Henny vision? Likely. Will he never show up? Who knows? You seriously never know with this guy. To be safe I would avoid confrontation with this man. J.R is the epitome of a wildcard. Hennything is possible for J.R Smith, and that includes kicking the shit out of you in a parking lot. He’s like the Charlie Kelly of the NBA. I wouldn’t be surprised to see him bite your fucking ears off. AVOID THIS MAN AT ALL COSTS.

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