Halloween has become more provocative than ever, and as a father this could not be any worse. Inevitably you will be forced to see pictures of your daughters costume from your wife, pictures you wish you could unsee. Today we will be breaking down the top 5 costumes you do NOT want to see your daughter in.
5.) Slutty Cat
The OG. Slutty cat has been the go-to fuck me outfit since the dawn of time. Back in the day ancestral Neanderthals dressed up as slutty cats as a means to reproduce. Absolutely anybody on this planet dressing as a slutty cat is guaranteed getting plowed like a busy road on a snow day. You could be a dude, a female, or a outfit left laying out on the couch, a penis will inevitably find its way inside the slutty cat. Your wife shows you the group picture she sent her, excited for her creative costume and proud as a mother, but you can only look with disdain because you know Chad will be bending your sweet little girl over a moldy frat bathtub. If your daughter is dressing up as a slutty cat this Halloween, try not to think about it.
4.) Sexy Prisoner
There are many men who fall victim to the Sexy Prisoner outfit. Hopefully, your daughter is not well endowed as the handcuff cleavage combo has proved irresistible to the horny simpletons you so desperately want her to avoid. But sadly, you will not be there, and these will be the men who lay waste to the woman you created and held in your arms. You swore to protect her at all costs and now she is across the country chained to a musty dorm headboard by her prop handcuffs getting drilled by a kid with a 1.7 GPA and a sick fade. Godspeed to all fathers of the sexy prisoner.
3.) Horny Cop
This one just really hurts. You just know that the horny cop is a gateway for your daughter to dominate a young unsuspecting man in the bedroom. Unfortunately for you (fortunate for the dude who scores with your daughter) the horny cop outfit does not usually stay on for long, and parts of it are usually left behind as a testament to Alex’s totally hot score bro! Seeing your daughter walk around naked with a baton reminds you of the time your wife tried to incorporate her own interests into the bedroom. Not only is your PTSD flaring up, but your daughter is whispering in a dudes ear that they’ve been “a bad boy” and that she is “taking them downtown.”
2.) Porn Professor
Now, I say porn professor because this costume is practically begging for some elite roleplay, the same roleplay your significant other refuses to do with you. Face it, the sparks been gone for years and it led your daughter to spread her legs like jam on a sandwich. There is something about high socks and glasses that is just so compelling for men everywhere, especially 85 frat dudes looking to fornicate with your daughter. Who knows, maybe some good can come out of it. Maybe your professor daughter can help Alex, the kid with a 2.0 GPA that’s chasing a degree in lawn services. At least it won’t be anything new when his teacher is holding his D in her hand.
1.) Playboy Bunny
F to pay respects to all fathers who’s daughter who are going out as a playboy bunny. Do not be mistaken, this is not for the girls who dress up with 10 other girls as playboy bunnies because its “fun and cute Jessica!”. I mean the playboy bunny where she wakes up and make the independent decision to dress playboy. This application of the costume is begging the guy with skinny abs that’s dressed up as Hugh Hefner to take your daughter back to his asbestos flooded apartment and raw dog her on his mattress that’s lying on the floor in the living room. Her boobs will be flying around everywhere out of her shirt, and she will have a cotton tail wedging closer and closer into her butthole as the night progresses. Lucky for you, proud father, that the costume will not stay on very long!
Godspeed to all fathers this Halloween!