Updated: Aug 5
Reference Material: Gorilla Fight and Bear Fight
The age-old debate. We have seen countless hypothetical matchups; shark vs. crocodile, prime Mike Tyson vs. 3 of your friends all with metal bats, but nothing comes close to the controversy caused by grizzly bear vs. silverback gorilla. Although it is overwhelmingly in favor of the grizzly in terms of the opinions I have heard, there will always be that one guy in the group that says, “I don’t know bro, do you know how much a gorilla can bench press?”
For the record, it can bench press 4,000 pounds. For comparison, the highest bench press ever recorded was 885 pounds by the most well trained human in bench press history by this goliath of a man. (Blaine Sumner)
So today, I will seek to end the unendable debate: Who wins, gorilla or grizzly?
As all fights in the modern era, this will start with bios of both contenders including weigh-ins, fighting styles, and a plethora of other shit you don’t know about these animals.
First, weighing in at 700 pounds, with a height of 6 and a half feet, and unexpectedly horny after a little bit of research, the grizzly. So yeah, unexpectedly horny. Let me get to that first. In a study done by a couple of Croatian biologists, they observed a pair of captive bears over the course of 10 years. In no part of that 10 years did they teach the bears anything about sex. What happened, however, was thousands upon thousands of “vigorous penile suckings”. They had been noted to “engage in recurrent fellatio multiple times per day for 10 years”. Their conclusion was that they thought it was a mother’s titty and were just so bored they never stopped. Supposedly the males also have sharp barbed penises, and do not even try to have sex with female bears. They just fucking stab them anywhere they want and nut inside of them and somehow some way it migrates to the girl bears ovaries. Young dagger dick bears are detrimentally horny. You may be asking yourself, “how does this relate to them fighting silverback gorillas” and I do not have an answer for you, but I had to read that so you do to. Back to the fight.
Despite a grizzly bears monumental size, they have been clocked in at running speeds of up to 30 MPH. The fastest Husain Bolt was ever registered to run was 27.33 MPH. So 800 pounds, outrunning Husain Bolt, just some food for thought. Although they have been weighed in at 1,700 pounds, they have also been seen as small as 250 pounds. They have claws that are around 4 inches in length and that are sharp enough to penetrate flesh, take hold of salmon, and climb trees (Although the 2 inch claws on black bears are much more suitable for climbing). They are also incredible swimmers for their size. They have even migrated across the Johnstone Strait to Vancouver Island (a 2 mile swim). They can also produce a 1,200 PSI (pounds per square inch) bite. This is the only spot where gorillas take the cake with a 1300 PSI bite. After a bears death, it was noted they had a 7 inch thick layer of fat all around it’s body.
Not every gorilla becomes a silverback gorilla. At 8 years old gorillas are recognized as fully mature, but if they become a silverback, they grow over the next 5 years and develop blackish hair. If they are silverback by 13 they become the leader of their entire damn troop. No other gorilla wants to fuck with them and they get first dibs on the baddest gorilla bitches in the pack. They are gorillas but they are also dogs. While the gorillas physical status is inferior to that of the grizzly, it is important to note the IQ of gorillas. The average human IQ is around 100, while one gorilla, Koko, was said to have an IQ between 75 and 95. She also understand various subsets of sign language. A silverback gorilla, unlike a human, can most definitely kill a grizzly if they land a blow with their bite, although their hands may not inflict as much damage. If the gorilla was to plot a way to get behind the grizzly, such as hiding, and can get a single bite to the throat, the gorilla is victorious. In a 1 on 1 however, the grizzly is seemingly unbeatable. But, what it doesn’t have, is the heart of the monke. When you see grizzly bears in movies, most of the time they are assholes. Like that one that beat the shit out of Leonardo DiCaprio, what kind of scumbag does that? But Monke? King Kong pulling a baddy whilst honorably giving his life atop New York City, a planet of apes turning up a specist revolution, that one gorilla that helped Tarzan. Monke are so honorable and virtuous and are boys with human beings. Like Curious George. One call from George and the weapons of modern humanity are going to wipe the floor with the grizzly bear, they’re even endangered because of humans.
So, in essence… the grizzly bear will swing and penetrate the thin skin of the gorilla and likely end the fight very quickly. BUT, that is the case 9 times out of 10. The 1 time out of 10, depends not on the size of the gorilla in the fight, but of the size of the fight in the gorilla. If that monke comes with heart and passion, the gorilla takes it every time. If it is an average run of the mill day, I am sorry to say that bears are simply the apex predator and will absolutely murder the gorilla. But, that’s what they said about the 1980 US men’s hockey team before completing the greatest feat on ice since the ice age.